1. Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 2005
Canadian Films
- They include A History of Violence. Enough said.
Ultra-Violent Video Games
- "Player can wreak as much havoc as he likes for no reason without progressing through the game's storyline."
History-Making Wisconsin News Stories
- Massive wind storms. FEMA screw-ups. Not just in New Orleans.
Collectible Barbies
- "She is promoted as 'equal parts ethnic princess and couture queen' and she has the most elaborate, braided coiffure you can imagine!"
Cloned Animals in Order of Birth
- "She got her name from country music star Dolly Parton, because the cloned cell was a mammary cell."
Reasons to Stop the ACLU
- Paranoia from the right...
Stories the Mainstream Media Missed
- ...and from the left.
Auto Show Duds
- "Be the first on your street to own one!"
Worst Toys
- If it's any fun, it's got to be dangerous. I want a Lord of the Rings--Return of the King Uruk-Hai Crossbow Set Including Electronic Light 'n' Sound Sting Sword!
Most Wanted Fugitives
- "Aliases: Usama Bin Muhammad Bin Ladin, Shaykh Usama Bin Ladin, the Prince, the Emir, Abu Abdallah, Mujahid Shaykh, Hajj, the Director"
2. Top Ten Jeopardy Categories Ed Brayton Has Taken For $1000, Alex
incredibly stupid statements
words that don't exist
hysterical rhetoric
psychological projection
ridiculous arguments
non-sequiturs
stone cold hypocrisy
delusions of grandeur
people trying really hard to sound sophisticated
more empty and moronic rhetoric
3. More Top Ten Lists that Don't Exist
last acceptable prejudices
honky-tonk pianos
ways to avoid dissecting a cat in high school biology
pretentious tomes
coat rack artisans
top six lists
Mozart melodies in cinema
gifts for estranged relatives
excuses for speeding that actually work
cacti
4. Top Ten Netflix Picks in the Past Year
The Battle of Algiers
Maria Full of Grace
Le Trou
Wages of Fear
The Apostle
No Man's Land
A Very Long Engagement
Ma Vie En Rose
Pieces of April
The General
5. Top Ten Movies I Couldn't Quite Rummage Up $6.50 For
Murderball
Syriana
The Squid and the Whale
Walk the Line
Mirrormask
The Constant Gardener
Broken Flowers
Caché
Junebug
Pride and Prejudice
6. Top Ten Search Terms Leading to This Blog, Which For Some Reason or Another I Haven't Blogged About
philosophy dingbats
classroom germ reduction
make your own rap group
furby maintenance
sleep deprived international baccalaureate
thicker skull syndrome
homosexuality manifested in the courtroom
sins of the 12 disciples
blue raspberry cult belief, philosophy
America's nerd
7. Top Ten Songs I Haven't Heard
Run It!, Chris Brown
Don't Forget About Us, Mariah Carey
Laffy Taffy, D4L
Grillz, Nelly and friends
Photograph, Nickelback
Gold Digger, Kanye West with Jamie Foxx
Stickwitu, The Pussycat Dolls
When I'm Gone, Eminem
My Humps, The Black Eyed Peas
Because of You, Kelly Clarkson
(Any resemblance to Billboard's top ten from the week of 12/24 is entirely coincidental.)
8. Top Ten Groan-Inducing Titles at Reason's Hit and Run
C-3 PO'd
Aynal Retention
Hoppeing Mad
Stop Making That Orfful Noise
Juan Some, Lose Some
Sovereign ImMOOnity
Urine the Nurse-State Now!
Use the Farm, Cuke
Raich, Raich Against the Dying of a Right
Brother, Kanye Spare a Dime?
9. Top Ten Wars From Which "The War on Christmas" is Diverting Precious Resources
The War on Poverty
The War on Spam
The War on Drugs
The War Against Boys
The War on Terror
The War on AIDS
The War With Grandpa
The War On Obesity
The Warre of All Against All
10. Top Ten Quotable Quotes From Yours Truly
"Nerds of a feather blog together."
"Ask yourself: would Thomas Kinkade ever paint a nude?"
"Tiny flakes scraped from the armpits of the Keebler elves."
"The Blogosphere reportedly burned a stack of letters in the fireplace this morning, eyes rimmed red after a night of sobbing."
"Objectivity (noun). Superiority of hindsight."
"Jesus moved through the crowd, grabbing a sandwich from an unsuspecting bystander."
"I was lured in by her glowing green eyes, and trapped like a mackerel in the seine of purple hair that fell down her back."
"Active verbs are sweaty verbs."
"If you eat beef, or are related to someone who eats beef, or know of someone who eats beef, you are at risk."
"I'll swim in filthy lucre, and your children will become little Tolstoys and Woolfs. Woolves?"
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